DISASTER PLANNING.......

ALBANY HILL FUTURE LAUNCH SITE?

There are only two kinds of disasters: those that have happened and those that are going to happen.  With short-term disaster planning in capable hands and well underway, Albany is pretty well on track.  But what if all the land ice in the world slid into the ocean all at once creating a sudden catastrophic rise in sea levels?  Not to worry! Albany Central has learned that visionary disaster planners here are already roughing out a long range ARK PROJECT for our city.  They say that, if such an event were to occur, an Ark appears to be the only way to preserve our superior Albany culture as it presently exists.  The Ark would be launched from the top of Albany Hill, and would land at Ocean View Park if and when the waters subsided. Who will be invited to come aboard the Ark has been a thorny point of discussion.  As of now, the planners have agreed that 2 people of each of the following organizations should be included: AWC, CAS, CAN, CESP, Friends of the Albany Ferry, Friends of Albany Hill, Friends of Five Creeks, the Lions Club, the Rotary Club, the Albany Chamber of Commerce, and several others.  But all Albany organizations are encouraged to apply.  Two kids will also be invited. In order to lend a regional flavor to the group, one El Cerrito resident will be allowed to come aboard, and one marijuana dispensary manager from Berkeley.  A significant exception to the "2 of everyone" rule would be that the entire Albany City Council will be invited aboard, since tensions can grow very high on a long sea voyage, and strong leadership would be essential.  The then Mayor will also act as captain, since with the advent of GPS, pretty much anyone can avoid the rocks and lee shores. He/she will be allowed to bring along his/her choice of a loved-one or a personal therapist to help him/her deal with the stresses involved, and to support him/her in his/her leadership role.  As far as animals are concerned there will only be room for two dogs (note: leash laws will be enforced), two cats, two hamsters (for the kids), two horses from Golden Gate Fields, and of course, last but not least, two Burrowing Owls (if any can be found). There may be some exceptions made for people with special skills such as bartending, auto mechanics, and accordian playing (and possibly a dentist) but in general the above list represents the current thinking of the planners.  Anyone with thoughts and/or suggestions as to how the ARK PROJECT can be refined and improved should share them with the Disaster Planning Committee.  (More below!)

THE FIGHT AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING.........

HUMMERS IN ALBANY? COULD BE!

It is clear that Albany is on the road to becoming a leading city in the fight against Global Warming.  In this regard a rumor is circulating which is so exciting that we feel we must share it with our readers, even though it is somewhat unsubstantiated at this time.  A completely anonymous but absolutely reliable source has advised us that members of the newly formed Global Warming Committee are involved in discussions with the General Motors Corporation to have Albany selected as one of the "small city test sites" for GM's new HYBRID HUMMER testing program.  With its hilly streets, and a mixture of slow speed (Solano) and high speed (Marin) avenues, Albany is thought to be an ideal site to run mileage tests on this new Hummer model.  While we are not totally sure of the following numbers, we understand that a stock Hummer gets about 2 miles per gallon (mpg) city, and 4 highway.  It is said that the new hybrid version is expected to more than double those figures with an estimated 5 miles city, and 9 highway. If Albany is selected to become one of the test sites, it will be designated a "Hummer Friendly" city and we'll see lots of those cute little tank-like vehicles running around town.  A fleet of 50 Hybrid Hummers would likely participate in the testing, which would be conducted 12 hours a day for a period of three to six months. While this will undoubtedly inconvenience some Albany residents, we must understand that sacrfices will be necessary if we are to meet the Global Warming challenge.  Hummers are, of course, extremely safe for those driving and occupying them.  For folks in other vehicles, our best advice is:  "Don't tangle with a Hummer!"