PLEASE NOTE: This story was written before the Waterfront Committee took the courageous step of proposing a partial solution to the off-leash dog problem. But we are still going to run the story anyway. Why? If you think we're going to waste the delightful picture to your left, as our dear old Mum used to say, "You got another think coming , honey!"
ALBANY CITY COUNCIL EYEING SMALL DOG ORDINANCE !!
To be fair, we cannot claim this to be hard news. It is more like a well documented rumor received from a highly reliable informant, who, unfortunately, must remain anonymous for reasons of job security and personal safety. But the details we have learned lend a high level of credence to the following report. Here’s one dog story that has some serious legs!
Today, Albany is wrestling with two of the most pressing problems it has ever faced.
Problem #1 How to keep dog owners from letting their dogs off leash in the waterfront areas. To give credit where credit is due, the City has tried its best to correct this. A low profile social service project was launched wherein counselors approached offenders on the Neck and the Bulb, and questioned them as to why they flaunted the leash law. These psychologists probed for experiences that offenders might remember as early as the first year of their life (and earlier if the mothers could be contacted) since harsh toilet training and the like might have set in motion hidden impulses inclining them to let their dogs run free. Actually, this program did engender some temporary improvement on the part of most offenders, but a check after two weeks revealed that the recidivism rate had, sadly, climbed to 99.9%.
The City finally pulled up its socks and took decisive action. It hired a consultant. In a 35 page (not inexpensive) report, this consultant said that big dogs had always scared the bejabbers out of him but he had never been intimidated by small dogs. On leash or off, the consultant concluded, little dogs just don’t bother anyone much at all. The report also noted that small dogs posed absolutely no threat to the health or well being of humans, with the only exception that roughly one in ten thousand of them suffered from a rare condition known as “ankle biter syndrome”. In any event, the solution was clear: limit the size of dogs in Albany.
He recommended that dogs in Albany be limited to six inches in length and two pounds in weight. City staff, however, felt that this was more descriptive of the rats in our storm drains and suggested twelve inches in length and 3.5 pounds in weight as a more realistic standard. So that is apparently what will be proposed, subject to public input (limited to three minutes per speaker), before the City Council places the ordinance on next year’s ballot for a measure C vote.
Problem #2 Albany has passed the CAP (Climate Action Plan) and things are moving right along. But making the 2020 target on time will not be easy. Aerial photographic surveys conducted on Mondays (washdays) over the past several months have found that the number of back yards displaying clothes on clotheslines has not increased, meaning, of course, that people are not being successfully weaned away from their power sucking electric dryers, as hoped. Another shortcoming noted was that the Albany plan devotes itself almost exclusively to CO2 reduction, and does not seriously address the methane problem. In fairness, Albany did make a study and learned that methane production is primarily related to the digestive systems of animals. The study found that humans attending Mexican restaurants make only a minor contribution, and so City's gaze shifted to other animals in town. And of course, we don't even need a study to tell us that, aside from a few cats wandering around, "animals" in Albany means only one thing: DOGS. And so it was decided to measure the "methane pawprint" (as one staffer put it) of dogs to determine the methane contribution to global warming on the part of these "man's best friends".
Scientists were thus dispatched on cold days with gas analyzing equipment and the “leavings” of dogs of all sizes were measured. The results were nothing short of shocking. Instruments sniffing the “steam” arising from the piles left by big dogs, recorded 35% water vapor and 65% methane, both of which are much more powerful infra red heat blockers than CO2. While these “big dog piles” often pegged the meter needle, "little dog piles" (actually more like "droppings") barely lifted the needle at all and registered insignificant levels of methane and water vapor. In the fight against global warming we know that every little bit helps, and in accordance with this sentiment the Council decided in a closed meeting that as part of our struggle to meet 2020 CAP goals, big dogs would have to go.
So it’s a classic “twofer.” First, eliminating big dogs in Albany will solve the bulb problem. That is, who can be scared of, or object to a tiny little dog off leash? And second, the CAP program gets a badly needed assist.
And yet there remained one other serious hurdle. Albany is known for its warm humanitarian impulses and similar feelings underpin our canine-itarian impulses as well. In accordance with this widespread community value, the Council decided that all presently owned dogs which do not meet the new specifications would have to be “grandfathered”. That is to say, they get to stick around. However when and as these dogs go to their heavenly reward in natural ways, any replacement dog acquired by the owner will then have to meet the new “small dog” specifications once they are finalized. Sort of a Prop 13 kind of thing.
The above picture of Lola Milner Van Horn is provided as an example of the type of dog which will be acceptable in Albany under the new regulations. Clothing will not be mandatory. But Lola is, of course, a girl, and what self respecting girl would want to go around day after day with nothing on but her fur?
Reader comments:
Dear AC: You should note another important thing about small dogs. They make wonderful lap dogs and impart both physical and spiritual warmth to their owners as they snuggle so sweetly in one’s lap, and can even be used as neck warmers if their bodies are long enough to circle the neck On the coldest winter days this last summer I was so warmed by my Honey that I was able to lower my thermostat by a full one-half degree and make my contribution, however small, toward lowering Albany’s carbon footprint. As a matter of interest, the term "Three Dog Night" refers to a cold night in the Arctic when the Eskimos would bring three dogs inside the Igloo to keep warm. But we don't need that many in our milder climate, and one good one will do nicely.
AC: Excellent. Keep up the good work
Dear AC,
You’ve missed a big point. We have these problems now! It seems like it’ll take forever to convert to a small dog city.
AC: Our suggestion , Sir, is “cool your jets”. Progress takes time in the Bay Area, and we think the Albany program, upon receiving voter approval, can be implemented long before any significant changes in the Bulb occur. And of course we’ve got 10 years on the CAP part. But we note that the City Attorney has suggested that since property rights are involved here, more research is needed, and any city action should be supported by MEIRS on representative groups of large and small dogs, What are MEIRs? Why Mini Environmental Impact Reports, of course, and you know how long they take.
Dear AC,
Me and my friends play Sim City all the time , and we have faced and solved a number of urban dog problems. Unlike bears, who were around before we got here, we were definitely here before dogs. So let’s be clear, it’s our habitat, not theirs, and they take orders from us, not the other way around. I hope this helps.
AC: Thank you for sharing. Sounds about right to us. And they won’t get hooked on human food, since there’s plenty of great dog food around. In an emergency my wife Sandra once opened a can of dog food and served it as pate at a cocktail party we were giving. The guests didn’t know the difference and said it was delicious! (Back To Homepage)