Normally, AlbanyCentral is not able to cover the City Council proceedings in special or executive sessions. However, in this case our roving reporter insists that an informal council meeting was, in fact, held at the Hotsy Totsy, and that he was able, with the help of his high tech, electronically focused microphone, to accurately record what was discussed. We have our doubts and have placed him on administrative leave, pending a thorough investigation. However, we feel this report is so important and timely, that we must present it now. We will, of course, print a heartfelt retraction in the event that the facts presented here turn out to be innacurate in any way whatsoever.
Mayor: I’m most encouraged that you were to able to join me here today. We have an important issue to discuss.
Member: But I thought the Brown Act says we can't have meetings like this.
Mayor: The City Attorney assures me that the Brown Act only covers meetings held within 300 yards of City Hall. So the Ivy Room and the Mallard are out, but we are fine here at the Hotsy Totsy.
Member: Is it true that well drinks here are only $3.00?
Mayor: Absolutely. Just one of the benefits of living in Albany that we should tout more often. But down to business. We have made great strides recently in projecting Albany’s voice at the national level. We are becoming known as “The Mouse City That Roars”. We forcefully dealt with the issue of Iraq a while ago, and recently we leant the full weight of our support to the Bush impeachment drive. But now, my friends, we have just become aware of a most serious threat in the global warming arena--one which I think, in all good conscience, we must address. Moreover, tackling this issue will allow us to play a positive role for the first time at the international level in the fight against global warming. Albany can go big time on this one!
Member: Excuse me. If one well drink is $3, would a double be $6.00?
Mayor: Yes, of course. Staff report please.
Staff: An article in Spiegel Online cites a new study from Norway’s Technical University which says that a fully grown Moose emits an estimated 2,100 kilos (quite a few tons) of methane gas a year. As we already know, methane is roughly 5-6 times more harmful than CO2 in terms of its impact on global warming.
Member: Wow! That makes for one heckofa methane hoofprint!
Staff: Yes it does. And moreover, the Technical University research team also concluded that the annual impact on global warming of one adult moose is equal to driving the average Norwegian car 13,000 kilometers (roughly 8,000 miles) a year. (Gasps from the Council members) Now there are 120,000 mooses, meeces, mices, however you say it, in Norway. It is the country’s national animal. Fortunately, the three month Norwegian hunting season is underway just now, and 35,000 of those mooses are expected to be killed. But unfortunately, just like rabbits and people, mooses are, shall we say, quite amorous by nature, and the population will no doubt pop right back up in the spring.
Mayor: Well, there you have it. And my strong conviction is that Albany’s voice must be heard on this critical matter. But before we do that (calls out) "Would any of you gentlemen sitting at the bar care to comment on the global warming problem? (waits a moment) Seeing none, I’ll bring it back to Council."
Member: Well what sort of resolution should we make?
Mayor: My suggestion is simple. We must urge the country of Norway to extend the moose hunting season to 24-7, 365 days a year. That should have a major positive impact and help save the polar bears which are quite close by, as you well know. (Loud cheers and clapping from people at the bar)
Mayor: Please, the time for public comment has passed, and we do not encourage auditory expressions of support, no matter how worthy the cause.
Bartender: The A's just hit a homer. That's why they're so noisy.
Mayor: Oh, I see.
Member: But isn’t there an animal rights issue here? Won’t PETA come after us?
Mayor: We never said fighting global warming would be easy. Well, actually I guess we did say that at the Solano Stroll. But still, it will take courageous stands, such as this, to achieve our goals. Granted the mooses don’t understand the contribution that their digestions are making toward the destruction of our world as we know it. But as we often say, to make an omelet you have to break some eggs. And in this case the eggs are, unfortunately, the mooses.
Member: I must tell you that in all honesty that I am a little bit torn about this proposed action for several reasons. First, I want to point out that I think this council is getting somewhat far a-field. We were elected mainly to resolve local issues, not try to save the world, although I do, of course, think that is a most worthy objective. Also some of our constituents no doubt like mooses and would be offended to see them all wiped out. But then maybe those people don't know about the methane problem. My wife loves Mooses, their soft noses and all.. But my kids like the polar bears much more since they learned about them in school-- how they have to sit on those little icebergs, and swim 100 miles to fish, etc. But this little conflict is my own domestic problem and I don't intend to weight it very heavily as a factor in my decision. And finally, of course, I’m against killing in any and all forms, except maybe for flies, and of course, ants. So I guess, as I said before, that I’m somewhat conflicted about this, and have some serious concerns and reservations about voting for such a resolution. But, to be absolutely frank and honest about it, I will vote for it, subject, of course, to my concerns and reservations, since when all is said and done, the bottom line is that I find the smell of methane to be quite offensive. That’s all I have to say for now.
Mayor: Thank you. I sense that when this resolution is actually brought before the Council, that we’ve got the votes to pass it.
Member: But you know, like he just said, some people have been real critical of us about this local issues thing. Couldn't we add something of a local nature to the resolution to balance it out?
Member: I know! We could declare Albany a "Moose Free Zone"!
Mayor: Excellent! I see I'm not the only one with good ideas! And now, as we like to say: "In God We Trust and, as for the rest, I think a round of $3 well drinks at this point would surely not go amiss.
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