Recently Professor Sanders P. Landers called a press conference, and AlbanyCentral was there.
AC: Nice to see you Professor. I must say that’s a stunning pocket square you’re wearing today. What is it?
Landers: Why it’s the new Sunburst Fold. Not the easiest one to master, I can tell you. But as you may know, I’ve always supported the belief that clothes make the man, and I do like these more complex folds. I’ve offered to show the Mayor how to do it, but he hasn’t returned my call.
AC: But, tell me, where are all the other reporters, like from the Journal, or Contra Costa Times, or the Berkeley Daily Onion, I think it is? Were they invited?
Landers: Yes, they were invited. I have no idea why they did not to show up. High gas prices? Watches broke? Just lazy? Who knows?
AC: Well, we’re here and hope that you’ll have something of interest for us.
Landers: I have a brief prepared statement that I will now read:.
“Since moving to Albany I have fallen in love with the place. And I now I feel that I must give something back to my new home town. While Albany has many virtues and strengths, there is always room for improvement, and I hope to make a contribution to the betterment of our City. My plan is to work on small things first and then move on up to the larger issues.”
AC: Sounds ambitious. What will you tackle first?
Landers: Well the smoking ban for one. You know Albany is interested in visioning things. Speaking of that, have you visited the Fern Tiger offices? Some of the most exquisite decor you’re likely to run across, let me tell you! And the refreshments they serve are absolutely world-class! You need to check it out. But I digress. The smoking ordinance is excellent as far as it goes, but as is typical of our City Council, they tend to overlook things, that is, fail to vision possible future problems. So we are always playing catch up. The smoking ordinance needs to be expanded to cover a situation that was obvious from the git-go.
AC: Interesting, but can’t you be a little more specific?
Landers: My, you are a pushy one. Of course I can! One of our alert citizens noticed a photo in the Contra Costa Times of a Berkeley tree sitter—the one calling himself “Dumpster Muffin”, I think—with a cigarette in his hand. Our ordinance needs to be expanded to address this situation, and any tree sitters who intend to make their homes in the Gill Tract trees need to be forwarned that smoking will not be tolerated.
AC: But is secondhand smoke really a problem up that high?
Landers: Very perceptive! East Bay weather studies show that above 50 feet sea breezes tend to disperse secondhand smoke to the point where it is not a problem. So protesters living above that height would not be covered. We must defend individual rights wherever and whenever possible. Of course, weather patterns can change due to global warming, so the 50 ft. cut off point needs to be monitored periodically.
AC: Looks like you have a handle on it. What else do you have in mind?
Landers: No doubt you are aware that this is Albany’s Centennial Year? 100 years! Think of it. And yet after all this time there’s still a controversy over the correct pronunciation of our city’s name.
AC: Really?
Landers: Absolutely. Some call it ALL-bany, as in "All the Kings Men", but others call it AL-bany, as in "Hey Al, what's up?" And then there's a third pronunciation which seems to be creeping in, although it is quite subtle and difficult to recognize.
AC: And what might that be?
Landers: Well, it sounds a lot like AL-bany, but it's actually OWL-bany.
AC: Well, which is right?
Landers: Interesting question. The first name for our town was Ocean View Park, or maybe just Ocean View. But some citizens said that wasn’t right because we can’t see the ocean from here, except maybe from Albany Hill with the help of a telescope. Anyway, this controversary tended to tear the town apart like the more recent Caruso thing, so the then Mayor said “I’m going to settle this. I’m originally from Albany, New York , and we will name our town after that city. Case closed.” And so peace was restored.
AC: Ah! So its ALL-bany, then.
Landers: Not so fast. A local Mormon expert in genealogy had a look at the Mayor’s background and came up with seven close relatives by the name of Albert. The story is (though possibly apocryphal) that the Mayor went home to New York and announced to these relatives that he had named Albany in honor of them, which would, of course, make it AL-bany.
AC: Well, which is it then?
Landers: I‘m afraid we’ll never know.
AC: We’ll never know?
Landers: We’ll never know.
AC: Frankly that’s a little disappointing and somwhat anticlimactic! But we’re running out of time. Do you perhaps have one other “problem” that you are currently addressing?
Landers: Absolutely. By this time you surely understand that I am a staunch advocate of open space in Albany and ever vigilant to detect any attempt to reduce it. We have already put to rest the idea that Golden Gate Fields could build shops on its parking lot. And now Safeway on Solano Avenue is attempting to pull off the same stunt. They are actually trying to place their new store on their parking lot! Can you believe it? The plans show the front of their new store positioned right at the sidewalk on Solano! Now I will grant you that this lot is usually full of SUV’s (you need a big car to pack all those groceries) and (thankfully) a few hybrids, but open space is still open space, and we cannot afford to lose one square foot of it, whether or some gas guzzler happens to be sitting on it or not.. So I intend to speak out forcefully on this issue.
AC: Sounds like a worthwhile plan.
Landers: Yesiree! But now I really must move on to my next appointment. Thank you for coming
AC: Our pleasure.
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