AC: Nice to see you Sanders
SANDERS: Thank you
AC: You’ve been very quiet since the last election. Have you lost interest in politics?
SANDERS: Not at all. I simply decided that I needed to spend more time with my family. Happens to lots of public figures. From time to time we feel the need to step out of the public limelight for a bit.
AC: But do you intend to run for office in November?
SANDERS: Please don’t probe my intentions! I’m sure you realize that it is with the best of intentions that the worst work is done. My current position can be summarized this way: ‘If nominated, I will not serve, and if elected I will not run’, or maybe it’s the other way around. Anyway, if I did want to run, I’d have a problem at this point.
AC: A problem? About filing the necessary papers with Sacramento? Or you mean you didn’t even take out the papers?”
SANDERS: Young man, you are beginning to irritate me. I am a very green person and I take out the papers every morning and recycle them on Fridays. I like to get them out of the house early, before I read them too much and start feeling suicidal. I sometimes think that today’s newspapers should be required to post a warning like “Consult your physician to determine whether you are mentally healthy enough to read this publication”. And it might be good to point out some side effects also.
AC: But in the political sense, you have to take out papers and then file them, right?
SANDERS: Yes that’s right.
AC: Well why didn’t you file them then?
SANDERS: To be honest, I forgot. Sandra reminded me to do it, but I was playing a game of “red dot” with my cat Sandy. This game can get very intense, and I have always maintained it is important to concentrate on one thing at a time. And so I was concentrating hard on the red dot game, and forgot that Sandra had reminded me to file them.
AC: Sanders, I must say that so far this interview has been somewhat disappointing. We had hoped that you would be running and would have some substantive things to say about Albany’s problems—and give us your suggested solutions.
SANDERS: Don’t you ever accuse me of not having solutions! I am blessed with a very fertile mind and always have lots of good solutions--as many as a hundred of them at any one time. So start acting like a reporter! Be specific. Simply tell me the problems you need me to solve.
AC: Fair enough. For starters, it seems that the City Council of Albany would like to see people walk and ride bicycles more, and get out of their cars. How would you handle this?
SANDERS: Changing human behavior is always difficult and getting people out of their cars would require a very sensitive approach. For example, we could station volunteers (with green badges to show they had some authority) at the traffic lights, and when the cars stopped these people could approach the drivers and say “Sir (or Ms), would you kindly step out of your vehicle”. Like our courteous Albany police officers do.
AC: But what if the people won’t get out?
SANDERS: Well, that approach always works with me whenever I’m pulled over and they want to show me my tail light is out. And let me ask you: have you ever failed to get out of your car when a nice officer asked you to do so in this pleasant way?
AC: No, I suppose not.
SANDERS: Well there you have it then. Case closed.
AC: But what about all those cars abandoned in the middle of the street?
SANDERS: My, you are a pushy one. Is that how they taught you to act in journalism school? Look, I’ve done the heavy lifting here. I’ll leave the cleaning up for the City to worry about.
AC: O.K. What else have you been thinking about?
SANDERS: I noted that the City has engaged a consultant to study pedestrian walking habits and come up with a Pedestrian Master Plan. I sure could have saved a bunch of taxpayer money here, since I’ve been watching people walking around Albany for years, and know their habits very well.
AC: And?
SANDERS: I would simply point out to the City officials that people in Albany usually walk on the sidewalks. Sometimes they do wander into the street, but then the cars begin to honk at them and so they scamper and scoot back up onto the sidewalks. But I will say that some ‘pedestrian calming’ measures could be enacted for the sidewalks, like we have on our streets and avenues.
AC: How so?
SANDERS: It’s those youngsters so full of beans! They zoom along on their skateboards so fast that sometimes they even bump you and spin you all the way around like a top! Actually, it’s not beans. It’s that testosterone, I believe they call it, which happens in those young boys as they grow up.
AC: Now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else?
SANDERS: Well, as you know the Economic Development Task Force hasn’t been hitting too many home runs lately. Their rumored attempts to attract a Walmart to Albany have apparently failed. Thankfully, we already have a nice Target which is almost as good. But, anyway, help is coming soon.
AC: Really? And what kind of help would that be?
SANDERS: Believe it or not, the Albany Arts Committee has determined that an aggressive public arts program will go a long way toward attracting business to Albany. My only concern is that they need to put up art that is business-oriented, so that CEO’s can immediately relate to it when they see it.
AC: What would an example of that be?
SANDERS: Well, they could do a group statue of a CEO, a CFO, and a COO looking at a chart that shows a very favorable trend line.
AC: Actually, that sounds pretty good. But what is a COO, anyway? I haven’t heard that one in a while.
SANDERS: Always happy to further your education, young man. It stands for ‘Chief Operating Officer’, of course. I remember this because if you say ‘COO’ twice real fast it reminds you of a Cuckoo clock. But don’t give such a clock to any of your friends, because it will drive them crazy within a week.
AC: I must say Sanders, I think we are beginning to lose the thread here. Have you anything further to say before we bring this to a conclusion?
SANDERS: Now, now. A little stream of consciousness never hurt! If it’s good enough for the Albany City Council, it’s good enough for me. But I do have several suggestions about a code of conduct for the journalistic professional. Would you care to hear them?
AC: No.
SANDERS: That’s O.K. I see Sandy sitting there looking up at me for a game of “red dot” so I’ll just go find that laser thing.
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