AC: Well, well, Sandra, here you are again. But what on Earth are you up to with that great red bowl or whatever it is?
Sandra: Perhaps you haven’t heard, but the City Council is in the process of banning smoking on Solano Avenue.
AC: Yes, we’ve heard that, but what are you doing?
Sandra: Well, in the interests of social justice, we are trying to help smokers move away from cigarettes and take up the chewing of tobacco. This will allow them to enjoy the benefits of nicotine while walking on Solano, without generating the health hazards associated with secondary cigarette smoke.
AC: Yes, but isn’t chewing tobacco considered by many to be, well, frankly, a disgusting habit? I mean, all that spitting and everything.
Sandra: Chewing tobacco is no more offensive than chewing gum. However, it does produce tobacco juice within the mouth that needs to be eliminated periodically. So there must be a support system.
AC: Oh, I get it! That big red thing there—it’s a spittoon!
Sandra: Please, that term has negative connotations. We prefer to refer to them as “Expectorant Receptacles”.
AC: Well, I just hope the new chewers can hit the target. We sure don’t want tobacco juice all over the sidewalk!
Sandra: Why do you press people always focus so much on the negative? Think positive, young man! We are just now in the pilot program phase, and you will note we are putting out only our “Training Model” receptacles for the time being. They are very visible and have an exceptionally wide shape at the top so they will be easy to hit. Or, if you prefer, hard to miss..
AC: But what's that little bowl at the bottom? It makes it look like a flower pot.
Sandra: Actually, we did learn that from the flower pots. It's there in case of overflows. Anyway, as the accuracy of the chewers increases, certain members of the Albany Arts Committee (who prefer not to be named at this time) have assured us that they will help pick more attractive receptacles--in terms of shape and color--for all the street corners along Solano.
AC: Well, you’ll have to excuse my negativity, Sandra. I am, after all, an investigative reporter looking everywhere for trouble spots to report. But tell me, how is this accuracy to be increased?
Sandra: What a silly question! Obviously, adult education classes are the answer! We are in the course design phase at this very moment! Upon successful completion of the course, chewers will be certified at 1, 3, 5, and 7 foot distances. At 5 feet, they will be awarded our “Sharpshooter” badge, and at 7 feet, they will earn our "Expert" one. However, any chewer observed missing a receptacle will be required to take or repeat the class, or pay a fine, like with the traffic tickets.
AC: Well, I must say you seem to have it pretty well worked out. Good luck with your program.
Sandra: Yes, yes! Thank you, young man. We are planning a contest at the next Solano Stroll, and hope to see you there. (See Below)
(Diary of Midshipman Henry Wickham, HMS Reliant, June 7, 1808)
We are becalmed in the Horse Latitudes for the fifth day, with no sign of wind. It is dreadfully hot. The crew is getting a bit of rest, but everyone has become quite bored, and glancing at the sails for any sign of a breeze is a common pastime. The only bright spot in this dreary situation is a daily entertainment provided by Seaman Smith. Once every morning he strides forward and places a bucket on the freshly holy-stoned deck. He then performs the most amazing feat. (Even the officers sometimes assemble on the poop deck and permit themselves a smile or two and nods of admiration as Seaman Smith performs.) It should be noted that Seaman Smith does not smoke a pipe, but instead chews tobacco. He begins his entertainment by first walking about fifteen feet away from the bucket he has placed. Then, to the cheering and whistles of the crew, he turns sharply and projects a beautifully formed stream of golden-brown tobacco juice into the air, which, as it sparkles and glints in the sunlight, arches gracefully across the intervening distance, eventually descending perfectly into the bucket, without spilling a single drop on the newly cleaned deck. The effect is really quite astounding. While other crewman are quite good at this, it seems that Seaman Smith has a particular advantage in that he is missing one of his upper front teeth. This seems to give him the perfect orifice needed to perform in such an exceptional manner.
(Editor’s note: Contemporary tobacco chewers who have an interest in improving their
accuracy are encouraged to call 1-800-DENTIST) (return)