AC: With all the attention to global warming these days, what can we, as our own individual selves, do to slow this potentially disastrous trend?
SPL: The world is warming. No doubt about it. The only question is whether the cause is anthropogenic (that’s us) or sunspots. So a quick solution for those who can’t or don’t want to do anything, is to believe in sunspots. That way you have no personal impact on global warming. And of course you can’t do much about the sun, since it is far too hot and far away. So there’s no more guilt. The pressure goes away, and you can live a normal life and be happy.
AC: That is not the answer we are looking for, Professor! We believe global warming is generated by humans, that is, anthro... whatever you said, and we want to know what we can do about it.
SPL: Anthropogenic. If you believe that, (and I personally fall into this category) then you are personally obligated to do all sorts of things. For example, most people with this belief system should immediately launch a personal weight reduction program. We apparently ate very well during the nineties, and my research shows that everyone put on ten extra pounds during that period. I might add that the 50 fine restaurants in Albany didn’t make things any easier.
AC: But how would that help?
SPL: Simple. When we are in our cars, it takes more fuel to get all our extra weight moving. And on any hill it takes more fuel to drag that weight up to the top. The amount of gasoline needed to move this additional tonnage is estimated to range from 350 million to 1 billion gallons a year.
AC: I must point out, sir, that you yourself are somewhat, shall we say, “heavyset”.
SPL: True, but I am trying hard to slim down. I’ve lost the 10 extra pounds and have gone from 305 to 295. Based on my bone structure, musculature, and my Neanderthal genes left over from long ago, 295 is considered to be my natural and proper weight. For those having trouble with weight loss, it should be noted that if you believe in sunspots, you can be as plump as you want, and I must confess that sometimes when I sit down in a fine restaurant I start to think that maybe it really is those spots. But for the true anthropogenic believer, an overweight condition is a clear sign of hypocrisy, unless you have a doctor’s note saying obesity is a disease, or a purchase receipt from Jennie Craig. Then you’re fine.
AC: O.K. What else can we do?
SPL: Well, somewhat related to the weight issue, is the suggestion that we should all become vegetarians. The U.N. has just received a report noting that we expend more energy on raising animals for human consumption than all the energy used by all the motor vehicles in the world combined. And so PETA got after Al Gore (who some said looked a bit porcine on the Academy Awards show) and told him to cut out meat.
AC: Interesting. But what is this business about “carbon footprints”? It seems we all have one.
SPL: That’s a term to describe the amount of CO2 you are responsible for by just being around here. Like the amount of power and fuel you use going about your daily life. Your house and your car are the main culprits, but you also contribute CO2 every time you exhale. That’s kind of a hard one to get around.
AC: What can we do to reduce our carbon footprints?
SPL: We’ve just covered a lot of it. But there is more. There’s things called “carbon trading” and a “carbon-neutral lifestyle”.
AC: Please explain.
SPL: Well, take Al Gore as an example. The word out of Tennessee is that the 2006 utility bill for his 10,000 sq. ft. mansion/office, was $30,000—20 times that of the average bill in the area. And then there’s the private jet. But Al is able to live a carbon-neutral lifestyle because he gets credits for his fight against global warming. He also gives money to teach the developing countries how to avoid creating more carbon. For example teaching Africans how to run their emerging steel industries on wind power. So with these credits he makes up for his excessive CO2 contribution.
AC: Just out of curiosity, is there enough wind in Africa to run steel mills?
SPL: I think so. Particularly if the US Congress would relocate there. And if all our politicians would conduct their 2008 campaigns there, that would no doubt help a lot also.
AC: I see. But back to carbon trading, what can the average individual do about that?
SPL: Well, the experts have figured out that the average American is responsible for about 23 tons of CO2 per year, and your house is responsible for another 7 tons. They also figure that $5.50 should able to stop a ton of CO2 from being generated somewhere else, like in Africa. So you can find sites on the web that will gladly take $150 of your money and send you a certificate (suitable for framing) which says you are carbon neutral for the year. But I believe that we can do something right here in Albany, and I plan to start a program of my own.
AC: Wow!! That’s great!! How much will it cost?
SPL: I think I can do it for $100 per individual, or $175 for a couple. I call that my “bicarbonate discount”.
AC: And how will this money be used to reduce global warming?
SPL: Well, to be honest, I plan to use it to support my son while he finishes college.
AC: I didn’t think you had a son.
SPL: Well, let’s just say that I am acquainted with a very worthy young man who became part of my life as the result of a youthful indiscretion. My wife knows all about it.
AC: But how is that going to reduce global warming?
SPL: Quite simple. This young man is majoring in climatology at a prestigious university, and he has assured me that he has discovered the solution to global warming.
AC: That's marvelous!! What is it?
SPL: He won’t tell me. He says he has to get his degree first, or no one will believe him. But I believe he's done it, all right. He has always been a good boy and completely honest. The only bad thing he ever did was steal a crayon from the little girl sitting next to him in kinder garten, and counseling took care of that. Years later he also apologized. Anyway, you know how expensive a higher education is today. So that’s where the money will go. Once he has his degree I’m sure he will tell us the solution and the carbon will all go away, footprints and all. And those who contributed can say they had a hand in it. And maybe get certificates too.
AC: Well, Professor, thank you for explaining what we can all do, and good luck with your program.
SPL: My pleasure. And remember, if you find that the requirements for achieving personal carbon neutrality become a little too onerous or daunting at times, you can always fall back on sunspots for a few days and take a little rest.